Scene from Berger Family, 1991

[Berger family has just landed at LaGuardia Airport after a week in Florida. Rich and I head toward the taxi line]
Mr. Berger: Guys no need to wait in line - I ordered us a limousine, he should be here any second


8-year-old Dan: Awesome! I love riding in limos! I'm so psyched!


[A minute later, a black Lincoln Town Car arrives and stops. I keep looking past it in search of our limo]

Mr. Berger: Here's our limo guys, put your bags in the trunk and let's get in


8-Year-Old Dan's Interior Monologue: Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! You can call a regular Lincoln Town Car a 'limousine'? That's complete bullshit! A 'limousine' should only mean a STRETCH LIMO! Extra long, fits 8 people, long bench seating, bottled water and M&Ms - we all know what a fucking limo is! This 'limousine' possibly meaning just a Town Car is the worst meme ever!!!


8-Year-Old Dan: Wow, here it is - our very own limo! Thanks Dad!

Overheard in NY on a Rooftop facing the Hudson River

[2 Jersey Girls see me packing up a DSLR still camera which I'd just shot a video on]


Jersey Girl 1: Hey you're a photographah take our picshah [hands me her phone]


Me: Sure.


[A giant light right next to me makes it impossible to see any background unless they move away from me]


Me: Could you move to your right. OK. 1. 2. 3.


[I hand phone back to Jersey Girl 1 - she and Jersey Girl 2 look at it as I finish packing up my gear and am about to walk away]


Jersey Girl 2:  They-ah's not much Jersey in this picshah


Jersey Girl 1: Not much Jersey at awwl! [Turning to me] Excuse me, we aww from Jersey and when I gave you the camera I figured you'd get Jersey in the picshah, not this silly rooftop.


Me: It's just the exposure difference between the light foreground and dark background makes it-- ah never mind [I take phone from Jersey Girl 1] 1. 2. 3.
[I hand phone back to Jersey Girl 1 and rush away from them, but catch their reactions]


Jersey Girl 1: Some photographah - ya can still byarely see Jersey


Jersey Girl 2: Idiot 

StereoIQ Jack White new album

Oh StereoIQ, there IS a home for you here - DON'T go away

Jack White – Blunderbuss Lyrics
Jack White – Freedom at 21 Lyrics
Jack White – Hip (Eponymous) Poor Boy Lyrics
Jack White – Hypocritical Kiss Lyrics
Jack White – I Guess I Should Go To Sleep Lyrics
Jack White – I'm Shakin' Lyrics
Jack White – Love Interruption Lyrics
Jack White – Missing Pieces Lyrics
Jack White – On and On and On Lyrics
Jack White – Sixteen Saltines Lyrics
Jack White – Take Me With You When You Go Lyrics
Jack White – Trash Tongue Talker Lyrics
Jack White – Weep Themselves to Sleep Lyrics

King Leer

[Waikiki Beach]

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Look at this creep trying to check me out. He thinks because he has sunglasses on I can't see what he's up to? It serves this slimeball right that I'm on my stomach so he can't see anything exciting

My Inner Monologue: (slow clap) Hats off to you. Wonderful effort. You turned over onto your stomach, you have your head down instead of arching your back up - you've done everything you're supposed to to shield yourself from my leering eyes. But there's just one little thing you forgot. And that, my dear, is SIDEBOOB

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Jesus what is this guy staring at the sliver of skin peeking out of the side of my chest? Is that how desperate he is? Gross

[Sunbathing Girl wraps her towel closer around her chest, though a tiny bit of Sideboob is still peeking out]

My Inner Monologue: Touché. You may have won this battle, but I'll win this war. And it's not only me - I've got an army millions strong of leerers. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers (and some lesbian sisters) are on patrol from these sands of Oahu to the beaches of Brazil, from the coast of Cannes to the margins of Malibu. For I ask you this - if a Sideboob sits on the beach and no one's there to see it, is it really a Sideboob?

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Oh. My. God. He is still standing there. I'm gonna get my Dad over here

[Sunbathing Girl waves over her Dad, a ripped Alpha All-American type in board shorts]

My Inner Monologue: Fuck - is that her father? Oh shit I gotta get out of here.

[I turn in the other direction]

Me: Rich! There you are! You gotta tell me when you move our stuff!

And then I ran away in fear...

But not without having made a deposit. Not at Citibank, or Chase, or even Bank of America. No in these frightful days of Bear Stearns blowups and Morgan Stanley meltdowns, I made that deposit at the only institution a man can trust anymore - the Sideboob Memory Bank

Beta Guy In The Emergency Room Waiting Area With His Dad Who's Having Chest Pains

Beta Guy's Dad (clutching chest): Ahhhh! It hurts real bad! Tell 'em I need to see a doc pronto!

Beta Guy: Of course, Dad - I'm gonna get you to the top of the list don't you worry.

[Beta Guy approaches Jorge, the tattooed nurse at the ER front desk. Jorge is on his cell phone. Beta Guy tries to make eye contact with Jorge but fails]

Jorge (into phone): Girl ah told joo that was not perfume you smelled on mah shirt... no ah never said it was cologne. It's a unisex fragrance by Calvin Klein--

Beta Guy (raises his hand with one finger extended): Uh, sorry excuse me

Jorge (into phone): -- called CK Be... because ah wanted to try something different

Beta Guy: Uh, hi my Dad--

Jorge: I'll be with you in a minute OK mang

[Bearded Guy approaches the front desk]

Jorge (into phone): The receipt for the CK Be?

Bearded Guy: HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

Jorge (into phone): I - I didn't keep it baby - I'm trying to go paperless--

[Bearded Guy grabs Jorge's cell phone and hits "End Call"]

Bearded Guy (screaming): Chat time's over, mi amigo! Alright because while you're havin' a grand ol' time with your lil' hoochie mama my son over there's arm is swelling to the size of a goddamned Christmas ham from the bee sting he got! So unless you want me to send so many INS agents to your house it'll make the Elian Gonzalez raid look like a fuckin' cozy dinner party, you're gonna let my boy see a doctor right now!

Jorge: Jesus, OK you and your son go to Room 3. A doctor'll be in there shortly

[Bearded Guy grabs his son and storms off to Room 3]

Jorge (muttering to himself): Coño

Beta Guy: Yikes. Anyway, my dad over there is having chest pains and I was wondering if there was any way you could get him to see a doctor soon

Jorge: Well that asshole took the last open room but I'll put you at the top of the list OK my friend

Beta Guy: Oh thanks that's great! Really appreciate it

[Beta Guy walks back to Beta Guy's Dad]

Beta Guy: Dad, great news - you're at the top of the list!

Beta Guy's Dad: Uh huh, uh huh. The pain's gettin' worse and... I'm startin' to drift in and out of consciousness I need to see someone now

[Beta Guy looks over and Jorge's back on the phone, animated]

Beta Guy (putting a hand on Dad): Hey you're at the top of the list Dad, let's not push it

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Can you believe that guy? Talking to a hospital employee like that?

Beta Guy (turns around, notices that Mother Holding Infant is attractive): Ohh - yeah totally out of line. And that racial stuff?

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: I know! I never thought I'd hear something like that in 2012

Beta Guy: Definitely a Republican. Probably voting for Santorum

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant laughs]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (suddenly looking at watch): Ugh, if I don't see a doctor soon I'm gonna miss my older one's trumpet recital. I guess no one ever said single parenthood was gonna be easy

Beta Guy: Oh sure, it must be tough

[Beta Guy's Dad feebly taps Beta Guy on the shoulder]

Beta Guy: We're first in line Dad - don't worry.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: The annoying thing is this little fella just has a fever, but they say if it's over 102 you should go to the emergency room to be on the safe side. The doctor'll probably recommend some Children's Tylenol and sleep and be done with us in 5 minutes. If we ever get to see one.

[Attractive Mother's cellphone buzzes from a text message]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: My son: 'where are you Mom? All the other parents are here' - ughhh

Jorge: OK my friend a room just opened up. Let me show you and your father to Room 2.

Beta Guy's Dad (hopeful look on his face): Ahhhhh

Beta Guy: You know what, this young woman actually should go ahead of me because she's just gonna be 5 minutes.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Oh my god are you sure?

Beta Guy: Of course - hey I was once a teenage trumpet player myself and I can tell you it means a lot to have a friendly face in the crowd

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (touching Beta Guy's arm): Oh bless your heart! You are a saint. Take care of your Dad, he's not lookin' so hot

Beta Guy: Oh he's gonna be fine

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant and Jorge walk toward Room 2. Beta guy longingly watches Attractive Mother's backside in her tight jeans]

THREE DAYS LATER

[Beta Guy is speaking at Beta Guy's Dad's funeral]

Beta Guy: I was there at the bitter end, and unfortunately nothing could be done to save him

[An Old Timer who was in WW2 with Beta Guy's Dad stands up]

Old Timer: Bullshit! He was waiting in the Emergency Room for 3 hours, but you were too much of a goddamned spineless sissy to get him in front of a doctor! If you had one tenth the guts of your ol' man he'd be alive today

Beta Guy: Nothing. Could. Be done.

Mulatto Jesus Supreme Court Nomination Hearing

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Now Mr. Jesus, you went to the University of Michigan is that correct?

Mulatto Jesus: Uh, yes. Yes sir.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: And on the evening of September the 16th, 2004, you met a young woman named Ashley Perkins is that right?

Mulatto Jesus: I-I don't recall.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Well whether you recall or not, Ms. Perkins was visiting her friend Britney Wilson that night in Ann Arbor. And she was considering transferring from SUNY Oneonta to Michigan in the spring.

Mulatto Jesus: Ah yes, now I remember.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Glad I jogged your memory, Mr. Jesus. That night you said to Ms. Perkins, and I quote, "You gotta come to Michigan - it's the number one party school in America."

Mulatto Jesus: I-I think I said something like that, yes.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: No Mr. Jesus, you said exactly that. And yet according to Playboy Magazine, for the year 2004, the University of Michigan was only ranked the #7 Party School in America.

Mulatto Jesus: I just meant it was a really great party school

Sen. Lindsay Graham: But you didn't say "great" party school, Mr. Jesus. You said "Number One" party school. I checked Playboy's rankings and in fact Michigan wasn't even the Number One Party School in the Midwest. That honor went to the University of Wisconsin.

Mulatto Jesus: Well I seem to recall a U.S. News and World Report ranking of party--

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mr. Jesus, don't come into the halls of Congress and try to tell me that U.S. News and World Report's rankings of party schools can even compare to Playboy's. Playboy's been in this game for 49 years - U.S. News didn't even mention schools' party scenes until the Bush Administration.

Mulatto Jesus: Why do you care about this? I didn't even hook up with that girl - I was just drunk and making idle chat. I guess I got confused.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Got confused? Lied? Mr. Jesus can't even keep his story straight. This is why I care, Mr. Jesus - because if you are playing fast and loose with the rock-solid precedent of Playboy's party school rankings, then Lord knows what else you'd toss out the window in order to get your way - over 200 years of case law? The Bill of Rights? The Constitution of the United States of America? You, Mr. Jesus, and your activist judging ways, are what is wrong with American jurisprudence in the 21st century!

(beat)

I yield the remainder of my time to Senator Lieberman.

Guy whose name is ASDF

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Yeah we canceled your order because we figured it was some guy just typing random stuff on his keyboard as a prank

Guy whose name is ASDF: But if my name were Joe you'd have sent me the sweater? Look I have rights you know. I'm a human being!

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Well we were thinking about sending it out but then we saw your email was "asdf@asdf.com" and we were sure it was fake

Guy whose name is ASDF: What's your name?

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Mark

Guy whose name is ASDF: If you could get Mark@Mark.com wouldn't you make that your email address? I mean I don't think I'm being unreasonable here - if--

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Look man, do you want the sweater or not?

Guy whose name is ASDF: Of course I want the sweater! Now just to clarify, the address is 2473 slfjsldfj --

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Alright nice try buddy

[dial tone]

Guy whose name is ASDF: Hello? HELLO? Goddamnit. I guess I'll just have to start calling myself Asher again.

[sigh]

High School Newspaper Op-Ed: DOUBLE STANDARD

by Cayla Langley

Have you ever noticed how girls who hook up with a lot of different guys are called sluts? And yet guys who hook up with a lot of girls are called players! I'm sorry but that doesn't pass the smell test in my book - what we have on our hands at Coolidge High is a big ol' DOUBLE STANDARD...

First Date with Girl Who Has Amnesia

[Setting: Hunan Szechuan Empire Gourmet Palace]

[Amnesiac Girl and I are looking at menus]

Me: You probably don't remember this, but Chinese food is like the cutting edge of the food culture right now. And this place is the epicenter of it all!

Amnesiac Girl: Wow - good thing I have you to take me to the hot places

[Waitress approaches our table]

Me: Hi, we're splitting everything. We'd like to have the e-egg drooop soup to start. Am I saying that right?

Waitress: Ees egg drop soup

Me: And this one is Ch-chicken with brickoli?

Waitress: Ees Broccoli. Thas it?

[I nod]

[Waitress walks away]

Me: Seriously it is like impossible to keep track of all these new cuisines

Amnesiac Girl: But somehow you do it!

[I wave the "stop, stop - too much" motion]

French Stewart Teaching A Sketch Comedy Writing Class

[10 students are seated around a table. French Stewart is at the head. He has a script in front of him]

French Stewart: OK, what do we have here? A leprechaun who gets picked on for being tall. Hmm I like it, but it's missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Oh wait, I know... it's missing SQUINTING!!! How many times do I have to tell you this - just write it down because it's an equation you won't want to forget: Squinting equals Comedy!

Student: Yeah but-but there are other things that're funny besides squinting

French Stewart: What's your name, son?

Student: Lance

French Stewart: Well class, I'm not gonna tell you what to think. But I just ask you this - was Lance a staple of Must See TV? Does Lance have a place in Malibu? Does Lance have a lifetime supply of DiGiorno pizzas?

[Silence]

French Stewart (picking up another script): Now let's see - Kamikaze pilots arguing whether to order the Sushi Deluxe or Sashimi Deluxe for their last meal

[Whole class laughs]

French Stewart: Pretty funny right. Because the Japanese guys look like they're squinting with those eyes. (beat) COME ON! Did I take a wrong turn on my way to the Comedy Club and walk into the Museum of Tolerance? I mean Jesus!